i may or may not have just written a book...

well, i failed at blogging yesterday. i'm hoping this picture will give me some motivation; it's not. looking at it reminds me that she's asleep and makes me want to go to sleep, haha! charles was off for 4 nights, and goes back to work tonight. i may regret not taking this opportunity for a nap.
until i get the hang of this blog thing and start to feel comfortabe actually expressing my feelings here, i am going to use prompts. i have a guided journal that i tried to write in everyday, but that didn't work out so well. i'm hoping this blog will work out better because i'll be able to receive encouragement. hopefully. paper doesn't talk to me and sometimes i need some words of encouragement. so, here goes:

i started my day by: being very thankful that charles got up with kyleigh and let me sleep! he's so good to me :) my goals for today: well, today is half over. my only goals were to get kyleigh enrolled with our insurance and to meet heather somewhere so she can meet kyleigh. i haven't accomplished the latter. today i feel: refreshed. amazed. relaxed. happy. in love. joyful. the funniest thing that happened today: i honestly don't even remember. charles and i were laying on the couch and i was laughing hysterically, but i have no clue what i was even laughing at? i remember him quoting a stupid commercial and i think that's what started it. then we laughed for a while about kyleigh's gas. i laughed at the faces kyleigh made while i was trying to see if i could put bows in the little bit of hair that she has. she totally wasn't entertained. the most memorable thing that occured today: laying on the couch just laughing until i cried at nothing but silliness with my husband. (is silliness even a word?) the best part of my day: waking up. something i look forward to tomorrow: meeting derek, kat and kail! hopefully. they will be coming in tomorrow and may or may not stop by here on their way to sonny and dawn's house. well, that's the end of the fill in the blanks. now onto the other guided journal that i can't ever seem to find motivation to do.

list all of your positive character traits. how do you disappear? how do you "check out"? finish the following sentence: "if i ever let myself completely go..." what might happen?

positive character traits...well...i'm very affectionate. i can be very cheerful. i am extremely caring. i try to be as generous as possible. i'm very forgiving. (well, that could also be a negative trait i suppose?) i try to be very encouraging to everyone around me. i listen very well. i can't think of anything else. onto me disappearing or "checking out". i try really hard not to "check out". i don't like to give myself time to think about things that are going on in my life. whenver i do, i always just end up stressing myself out. i tend to think about things that i need to do and things i can't get done. i very rarely "check out" just to relax. well, i take that back. i relaxed today while i laid out by the pool. i don't think i can say that i ever truly "check out". there are constantly things flowing through my head; things i want to do, things i need to do, things i don't think i'll ever accomplish, etc. "if i ever completely let myself go...i don't think i'd be satisfied with where i'd end up." i think if i ever completely let myself go, i'd drift off to thoughts that only depress/stress me. i'm afraid to let down my barrier. even with myself. something is wrong with that picture. i've never thought about it before. but, i suppose that's the purpose of this exercise.

i want a house. i am tired of paying rent. i'm tired of us having to fork out all of this money when in a few months when our lease is up, we'll probably just move somewhere else. i'm tired of not having a place to truely call "home". we pay more in rent here than people we know buying houses. i want a house. i want a yard so i can get my diesel man back. i want to plant flowers. i want a big pretty tree with a birdhouse in it. i want a big porch with a swing. i want a playroom for kyleigh. i want a guest room. i want to decorate. i want to paint. i want to pull up in a driveway and be able to smile to myself and say "that's ours". i want a house. i want. i want to teach myself to stop wanting.

"life isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you already have."

perks of living here in our apartment: we didn't have to worry about buying a fridge or a washer and dryer. we get free maintence. we don't have to worry about keeping up a yard. we can't paint, so we can't argue about what colors we want our walls to be, haha! we have a pool, a gym and a clubhouse.

i had an idea hit me today. i went to the pool to lay out and on my way back from the pool i saw a dog that i know from the animal hospital i used to work at, a lady went into an apartment and came out with him. i asked if that was the dog i thought it was and she said yes. she said that she walks him on her lunch break because his owner works far away and can't come home to do it. i played with him for a little bit and then went on my way. thinking about what she said made an idea pop up in my head. there are a lot of people that live in these apartments that have animals. i want to post a flyer or something offering to walk their dogs or clean their animals' cages while they're at work. kyleigh can come with me while i walk dogs; she'll get some healthy sunshine and i'll get exercise. it will satisfy my want to have an animal. it will be convinient for other people. i can make money without even having to leave here! the animal hospital i used to work at charged $16.50 (i think) per day for day boarding - that was over a year ago so i'm sure their rates have gone up, probably to about $20/day. so i figure, if i can get at least one person to call me and ask me to take care of their dog during the day mon-fri i could charge like $10-$15/day and i'd make at least $50-$75 a week! it may just be wishful thinking, but right now it seems like a great idea! i could even take care of their animals if they ever have to go out of town. that way their animal won't have to be stressed out about being in a new environment without their owner. lame?

umm, i think i'll stop here. haha!

"...she's everything i've ever wanted, and she's everything i need. i talk about her, i go on and on and on cause she's everything to me..."